Breaking 9 months of sobriety
On December 31st, 2022, amidst the bustling New Year’s Eve celebrations, I decided I wanted to be sober. By no means was my alcohol consumption an issue, but having already explored various alcohol-free and sober drink alternatives, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to learn what sobriety would bring me. I didn’t think much of this resolution nor did I set a hard date on when, if at all, I would ever break my sobriety. Spoiler alert: I did break my sobriety, but before I get to that, here is what I learned from my journey.
There are varying reactions to sobriety.
Telling people I was sober yielded many kinds of responses and reactions. Many folks were surprised to find out a 20-something-year-old wasn’t drinking alcohol and others gave me a genuine “good-for-you” nod. Most of the time, I could tell people were thinking “Wow, I could never.” A type of response I never thought would be part of the rotation was people, particularly older men, immediately asking if I’m not drinking alcohol because I’m pregnant. Is it your business to know what’s going on with my body? Hell no! And, why is that even your immediate response???
I found myself often feeling like I needed to explain my sobriety. I’d stutter on my story; “I just felt like it” never seemed like a good enough justification to others to be sober. It wasn’t until my former co-worker Kuya (not to be confused with my actual Kuya; believe me it got confusing in the workplace) stopped me partway through one of my tired explanations at a team outing to let me know that I didn’t need to explain myself. His passionate interruption was a warm hug to my soul. It wasn’t until I heard him say these words that it dawned on me that no matter my reasons for being sober, I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.
My sobriety limited my social hangouts.
I never realized how many social hangouts were predicated by the presence of alcohol. The “easiest” way of hanging out with most people in my life was to meet up and grab a drink with them. While I can’t say it was the norm in my life to go out for drinks, I understand that meeting for a drink has always been the societal default. And when you’re sober, people tend to feel weird about drinking around you.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind going to a bar and being around alcohol as a sober person. I’m happy sipping my fancy sparkling juice while I listen to my friends chat about the latest movies. But, I have found that as the drinks come one after the other, I am no longer in the presence of my friend but a vacant version of my friend and I can’t help but feel thrown by the interaction. Without realizing it, I began to reject invitations to go out with friends knowing there would be alcohol around. For better or worse, it has affected who I’ve hung out with this past year.1
We need more sober-safe spaces.
I love that more and more bars are including non-alcoholic sections on their menus but most places only serve flavored sparkling water or soda as sober alternatives. If I want to meet up with friends at night, I am often left choosing between cafe hangouts, some form of eating, or hanging out at someone’s apartment. Coffee is unreasonable after 2 pm, tea shops are barely open past 5 pm, and sometimes I don’t want to eat out either. While I love all my friend’s lovely apartments, this gal needs to be part of the outside world every once in a while.
Is it really too radical to believe that people don’t want to drink? I’m thankful to live in the Bay Area where more and more businesses are opening up to cater to the sober/sober-curious. I have found great camaraderie at my local kava bar but I do wish there was more variety. (Maybe it’s up to me to make them?)
Sobriety is an exercise in boundaries.
An unexpected impact of sobriety is my newfound ability to set boundaries with myself and others. I can let people know that I am not drinking even amidst the social pressure with confidence. I am sure that the people around me aren’t going to shame my decisions. I can self-advocate a bit more comfortably, a skill I had spent years in therapy trying to cultivate. I can depend on myself to choose what feels most right for me in the moment. I am living with more clarity, more acceptance, and more resolve. All this has translated into confidence in my decision-making and an increased sense of trust in myself.
In this journey, I had never felt inclined to drink because I decided that I am not a person who drinks. I have proved to myself that I can commit to something by showing up every day and I am so thankful that I chose sobriety. Or maybe sobriety chose me at the right time.
As the title mentions, I broke my sobriety after 9 months. From January 1st to October 4th, I hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol. But throughout our 21-day vacation in October, I indulged in a few cocktails, beer, sake, and whisky. I never felt any pressure to drink every day or drink at every meal, even though I was surrounded by ¥156 (~$1) beers and ¥550 (~$3.80) cocktails. I loved my whisky on the rocks and appreciated my boot-sized Sapporos and I don’t regret a single drop of it.
Sometimes I think that I should have waited the full year before drinking again. There’s some pride in being able to say “I went 365 days without alcohol.” But in the same way that I just felt like being sober, I just felt like it was the right time to have a little bit to drink. Drinking again reinforced everything I had exercised and learned in the past 9 months. I felt free to say no (which I often did) and trusted myself to make sound decisions about what I wanted. I can’t say that breaking sobriety is for everyone, especially if you have a history of alcoholism and/or substance abuse, but it can be a good testament to what you’ve nurtured over time.
Now, will I ever be sober again? After my trip to Japan, I’ve been playing with the idea of being sober in America only leaving the drinking to my trips abroad. It’s difficult to decide because I realized that I still love my whisky on the rocks and would love to share a glass or two with my dad whenever we want to. Regardless of my sober status, what I do know is that I have the confidence and autonomy to say no at any time which is a power I’ve never yielded before.
A challenge for you
So, as we approach the Christmas and New Year season—a time in which alcohol consumption tends to spike2—experiment with what saying “no” to alcohol (or your substance of choice) can teach you. Please don’t feel pressure to accept that glass of mulled wine, spiked eggnog, or champagne, and maybe opt for a glass of Martinelli’s sparkling apple cider, cinnamon tea, or even a non-alcoholic glass of sparking “wine”! You may learn that you actually don’t need alcohol to get through the holidays this year.
This was a long one, so if you got this far, thank you so much for reading! I hope you are staying warm and cozy.
Until next time,
Marj ✨
I have found that I do not like being sober amongst a crowd of drunk people. And bars = drunk people who tend to not control themselves well so it’s easy to see why I just stopped going to bars.
It’s important to note that holiday drinking isn’t just limited to Christmas and New Year’s. Most sources I read do emphasize that alcohol consumption spikes starting after Thanksgiving, but binge drinking does exist on holidays such as St. Patrick’s Day, 4th of July, Halloween, and Cinco De Mayo.
Time to explore the Bay Area and LA to find some sober-safe spaces!